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Thread: Press Releases... your opinions?

  1. #21
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    Patrysha's Avatar

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    I liked it...

    but...

    I couldn't resist rewriting it. I hope you don't mind. I totally re-arranged it and put words in your mouth...



    Local Councilmen Turns Inventor
    Dragonic's Drinking Cup Makes Moms Smile

    Seven Hills, Ohio – Not unlike many parents Pete Draganic watched helplessly as each of his three children went through the unavoidable spills and splashes that the early years bring with them. Though it came fourteen years too late for his own family, his innovation has led to a new career for the local councilman. As the head of Reflo. Inc, Dragonic has invented a product that provides parents with a healthier alternative to sippy cups, reducing both the likelihood of spills and avoiding the dental and speech issues associated with the sippy cups.

    Customer and doctor reviews extol the virtues of this revolutionary breakthrough in child training, safety and health on the company website at Reflo Ltd - a smart alternative to sippy cups.

    “The customers get really excited about the simplicity of it, while the doctors are happy to be able to offer an alternative to patients who want to avoid the potential consequences of sippy cup use,” explains Dragonic, who recently attracted the attention of two major retailers in addition to strong online sales.

    “It's a long way from the garage prototypes to this point,” says Dragonic, “but it's been worth all the expense and worry to bring such a valuable new tool to the parenting and childcare market.”

    The simply packaged, brightly colored cups look, at first glance, like a regular plastic glass. The difference in this BPA-free drinking cup is the simple patented insert that transforms it into a steady flow delivery system, simulating drinking from a real cup without the mess.

    “It's just easier for tiny hands to control,” says Dragonic, “and that helps them feel more independent. But if they're running down the hall with it, as they invariably will the first moment you are not looking, it won't splash. And then when it's time to clean it, you just pop it in the sink or the dishwasher, with no complicated buttons or valves to gunk up or lose. ”

    Early sales have been positive, as at least one entire daycare has transitioned to the new development with ease. Of course, parents themselves have been in on the action, buying as many as 8 at a time to ensure there is always one on hand for toddler "thirsties".

    “Whether they're filled with water, milk or juice, it helps little kids feel like big kids,” says Dragonic, “but the Reflo will keep it off your tables and floors.”

    For more information on the revolutionary design of the Reflo cups, or to arrange and interview contact....XXX
    Last edited by Patrysha; 06-08-2011 at 01:44 AM.

  2. #22
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    Hi Pete - I read your latest version and found it quite boring. Although I still like the headline. I don't think anyone will care about your patent application, your lathe, how long it took to develop or how many cups a repeat purchaser bought on their second purchase. They will be more interested in the benefits of this product. Patrysha's version is a bit better, but still leaves a lot to be desired in my opinion.
    Steve B

  3. #23

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    Patrysha,

    That was an awesome job. I already sent the previous release to all my local media yesterday afternoon. Tuesday is the best day locally for a number of reasons but primarily because of deadline dates for some of the local publications.

    I did receive a call back last evening from one local television station and they are coming here this evening at 6:45 to film for their 2 newscasts in the late evening.

    I really liked your approach and presentation with the re-write.... now I know who to call the next time I need a refined touch on a press release. Maybe you could share your contact info with me... I'm not sure if I have it.
    Pete - Reflo Ltd - A smart alternative to sippy cups
    www.reflo.net

  4. #24

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    Quote Originally Posted by Steve B View Post
    Hi Pete - I read your latest version and found it quite boring. Although I still like the headline. I don't think anyone will care about your patent application, your lathe, how long it took to develop or how many cups a repeat purchaser bought on their second purchase. They will be more interested in the benefits of this product. Patrysha's version is a bit better, but still leaves a lot to be desired in my opinion.
    I had hoped that those little extra bits of info painted a picture of the hands-on involvement I have had and that there was actually a patent application made vs me just having an idea and calling myself an inventor.

    As for boring, that is tougher to overcome. It is a child's drinking cup and although a very cool product I don't know how thrilling a story about it can be.

    As I was reading news last night online I realized what headlines caught my attention... so maybe my next one should be "Councilman Commits Murder" Then I can go on about how I am killing the competition.... lol
    Pete - Reflo Ltd - A smart alternative to sippy cups
    www.reflo.net

  5. #25
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    Good job, Patrysha. Prompted by Steve B's comment, I would liked to have had the mental picture of the child running about the house splashing orange juice everywhere, closer to the beginning!

  6. #26
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    Do you have some little kids to borrow for the filming?

    I don't really do one-of releases as an open service anymore, but when the time comes get in touch. My info is always in my siggy...just remember the witch :-) It's Marketing Witchcraft - A touch of magic for your small business marketing

    And yes, Tuesdays are almost universally a good day to get a release out. It can vary depending on pub & air dates and deadlines, but when in doubt Tuesday is the best day to choose.

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spider View Post
    Good job, Patrysha. Prompted by Steve B's comment, I would liked to have had the mental picture of the child running about the house splashing orange juice everywhere, closer to the beginning!
    You're right...but one does what can at somewhere past midnight :-) Oddly enough, I had almost added splashing to the first paragraph but couldn't find a decent transitional sentence to make it flow...though really orange juice isn't the one that strikes fear into the hearts of mothers...that would be grape juice or fruit punch...

  8. #28
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    Red koolaid in Sunday School class on Easter Sunday... now that strikes fear in my heart

    We like Pete's cups around here... sorry I was late for the press reviewing re-writing party. I'm usually too wordy when I write press releases, (although I've gotten a lot better in the past few months!) but I've got an expert press-release writer on call - we've worked together for some mutual clients and have become friends! If you need her contact info let me know.
    ~Jenn
    Crazy Dog Creative: Graphic Design and Marketing

  9. #29

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    I just had a phone call from a local newspaper too. She recognized my name from some of my recent political activities and I think that helped.

    I'll have to post links when articles or news stories are available.
    Pete - Reflo Ltd - A smart alternative to sippy cups
    www.reflo.net

  10. #30
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    More importantly create a media section on your website and put your releases and coverage :-)

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