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Reflo Ltd
06-05-2011, 10:57 PM
I am pretty familiar with writing political press releases, and rather good at it. Now I am writing these for my product and it is not coming to me as naturally as I had hoped. Just a different subject matter and target audience I guess.

Politically I would try to always keep my releases under one page in length. However I have received and seen countless releases from prominent figures that exceed that one-page limit.

So here I am with two prepared press releases for my product. One is targeting local media and playing on the fact that I am a local city councilman. The other is more aggressive and is very brief, more for targeting publications that deal with children and child products. I should probably have something in between that appeals to general interest outside of the local area.

Please look them over and see of either appeals to you.... feel free to critique and make suggestions. In the longer one, I hope that it is interesting enough to keep the recipient engaged. The shorter one is intended for larger (assumedly busier) entities and is modeled after some other new product releases I've seen.

I have these hosted on my server so follow the links below to see them.

Longer press release is here http://reflo.net/ads/longpr.pdf

Shorter press release is here http://reflo.net/ads/shortpr.pdf

Patrysha
06-05-2011, 11:30 PM
I hope you don't mind brutal honesty :-)

Your headline is weak and likely wouldn't last beyond the first glance. In all honesty, that's where I stopped reading the first time. I had to go back to read the rest because if the headline doesn't grab you don't have a press release. Because it's not going to get that first read through with the average journalist or editor or producer on the average day. But let's say it's a slow news day...

And you get past the headline stage...

You concentrate way too much on you without enough foundation on why we should care until much later on in the copy. It goes on for far too long before you get to the juicy parts.

Press Releases have to be written in journalist style...put the juicy stuff up front where it's read the most who, what, when, where, and why...(especially the why as it relates to the end audience of whatever media outlet it is...tie it up for them upfront and tell them why their audience is interested...that's what will get them to reading the details...to picking up the phone and calling for an interview.

You have a fantabulous product that is getting rave reviews from the people that matter most...use that as the lead in...or focus on the partnership...the family relationship that gave birth to three beautiful children and a life altering product for (potentially) millions of families.

Reflo Ltd
06-05-2011, 11:45 PM
I am perfectly fine with brutal honesty... and appreciate it when people don't try to spare my feelings because they aren't doing me any favors.

did you dislike both releases?

Patrysha
06-06-2011, 12:17 AM
I actually only read the long one. I didn't actually do a complete review of the long one, like I didn't go over it for SEO or anything...which is another thing you want to try and do with all your releases.

And it's not that I disliked it, I just don't think it would get to first reading...and that's what you want a release to do...to stir interest...curiosity...

greenoak
06-06-2011, 02:09 AM
i lke the headlines, both of them...... they say a lot and are short and simple..... local councilman turns inventor seems pretty smart to me...i could see our paper using a headline and a story like that......... describing the whole thing is pretty hard and kind of dull....but you caught the main idea perfectly in the second headline...

Steve B
06-06-2011, 07:22 AM
I only had time to read the headlines this morning. But, the first one was awesome. Both the main headline and the line underneath it were perfect.

Spider
06-06-2011, 09:50 AM
I only read the headlines and felt the long release headline was weak - who is going to care what a local councilman does except if it's rape or something scandalous! The sub-head was better but still didn't grab my attention (but I don't have children, so that may have played some part in that!)

The short-release headline was more to the point but still not grabbing.

How about something that invokes curiosity - SIPPY-CUP DO-OVER! --- BIG KID CUPS THAT WORK FOR BABY! --- NEW "NO-MESS" BABY CUPS ---- SAVE BABY'S TEETH WITH THE "SMART CUP"

greenoak
06-06-2011, 09:53 AM
spiders do sound pretty dang good!!!
in a small town a local invention would warrant attention ...imho of course...

Patrysha
06-06-2011, 10:25 AM
in a small town a local invention would warrant attention ...imho of course...

Only on a slow news day, in mine...

Reflo Ltd
06-06-2011, 10:31 AM
The reason I posted them here is that I too felt that the body of the long one was weak. It didn't grab me like the stuff I usually write. With political press releases it might be easier because I focus on one important topic whereas with this product I feel like I am trying to tell the whole story at once and that leaves me lacking. My long press release sounds more like I've written the article than put out a press release.

The short one I think is more direct and striking, for those that are in the baby product business. For instance, there has been a lot of negative media on sippy cups over the past few years so the title, I thought, was catchy. Anyone in the know, knows that sippy cups are bad for kids.

Back to the long one, I agree that someone, especially a busy someone plodding through numerous press releases per day, may not stay engaged. I will have to rework it for sure.

Patrysha
06-06-2011, 10:41 AM
Keeping in mind too that political releases are relatively easy hits because of the built in relevance. Politicians, community groups, charitable groups have less of a barrier to coverage because of who and what they are. Most of the ones that come through the newsroom aren't at all well written but are picked up because of relevance and timeliness. They are news because they're news, if that makes sense. Whereas a business has to prove that it's "worthy"...

Oh and relationships make a difference. If you already know reporters/editors then it's usually easy enough just to call them and pitch the story straight rather than go the release route as long as they are on the appropriate beat. In a smaller paper there are no beats...but at a larger paper there are.

Reflo Ltd
06-06-2011, 10:44 AM
I only read the headlines and felt the long release headline was weak - who is going to care what a local councilman does except if it's rape or something scandalous! The sub-head was better but still didn't grab my attention (but I don't have children, so that may have played some part in that!)



I live in the Cleveland area and am fairly well known with the local media. We have a major paper, a local paper or two and some various specific interest papers, as well as television and radio media. I do not think positive news about local politicians is beyond the norm but of course sensational negative press always takes first billing it seems. The small local newspaper actually covered the story a few months ago when things were just starting off for me. The reporter picked up on it from discussions with my council colleagues before a meeting and wanted to do a story. It was a large article, front page. Distribution though is just in my local area... maybe 50k papers. It generated just a couple of orders but he forgot to put the website info in so people had to do some searching for it.

KristineS
06-06-2011, 12:03 PM
One thing you have to remember is that newspapers will cut press releases for space. That's why you want to get the most important information up front. Even in your shorter release, you're four paragraphs in before you start talking about the product. Writing a press release is basic journalism, so you want your who, what, when, where, why and how as close to the beginning as possible.

Ask yourself, what's the most important thing about your product and make that the center of your first paragraph. If someone only could read one paragraph of your release, what's the most important thing they should know?

As they stand now, the releases would make decent short articles, I suppose, but they don't really do what a release is supposed to do, which is (a) be concise enough to be printed as filler and still get the primary message through and (b) hopefully get a journalist interested enough to call you for a more in depth feature.

tylerhutchinson
06-06-2011, 01:49 PM
I think they are fine. I do agree the headline may need some tweaking to pull people in more. I think for press releases they should generally be one page. If the one page interests the reader they will search and find you online to get more information. Too long may discourage people from reading it if they feel they may not have enough time to do so.

Patrysha
06-06-2011, 04:55 PM
Look Ma No Spills!
Local Counselor turned Inventor Reduces Toddler Mishaps

Spider
06-06-2011, 05:57 PM
Good ones, Patrysha!

Reflo Ltd
06-06-2011, 06:17 PM
Look Ma No Spills!
Local Counselor turned Inventor Reduces Toddler Mishaps

Love them!

Patrysha
06-06-2011, 06:21 PM
I think they are fine. I do agree the headline may need some tweaking to pull people in more. I think for press releases they should generally be one page. If the one page interests the reader they will search and find you online to get more information. Too long may discourage people from reading it if they feel they may not have enough time to do so.

The advice is always to go as short as possible with press releases, but I've had colleagues in PR who have been very successful with breaking that particular "rule" and going long...it all has to do with knowing your media target well. There can be a huge difference between what they tell you gets coverage and what does get coverage, but most of it is in the delivery/presentation and relationship.

Patrysha
06-06-2011, 06:24 PM
Thanks...I actually had it in my head as a single header...the first line being the head, and the second being the sub-head. They say the same thing as your words before, but in a "newsier" way. One great place to get headline ideas is at the checkout counter of your local grocery store...next time you're out shopping note what magazine teasers pull you in...

Reflo Ltd
06-07-2011, 01:22 PM
Thank you everyone for all your input, especially Patrysha.

Here is a redone version of my longer release, kept under one page, hits all the important factors with less "fluff".

I'd love a little feedback on this one.... good, bad or indifferent.

http://www.reflo.net/ads/longpr2.pdf

Patrysha
06-08-2011, 12:58 AM
I liked it...

but...

I couldn't resist rewriting it. I hope you don't mind. I totally re-arranged it and put words in your mouth...



Local Councilmen Turns Inventor
Dragonic's Drinking Cup Makes Moms Smile

Seven Hills, Ohio – Not unlike many parents Pete Draganic watched helplessly as each of his three children went through the unavoidable spills and splashes that the early years bring with them. Though it came fourteen years too late for his own family, his innovation has led to a new career for the local councilman. As the head of Reflo. Inc, Dragonic has invented a product that provides parents with a healthier alternative to sippy cups, reducing both the likelihood of spills and avoiding the dental and speech issues associated with the sippy cups.

Customer and doctor reviews extol the virtues of this revolutionary breakthrough in child training, safety and health on the company website at Reflo Ltd - a smart alternative to sippy cups (http://www.Reflo.net).

“The customers get really excited about the simplicity of it, while the doctors are happy to be able to offer an alternative to patients who want to avoid the potential consequences of sippy cup use,” explains Dragonic, who recently attracted the attention of two major retailers in addition to strong online sales.

“It's a long way from the garage prototypes to this point,” says Dragonic, “but it's been worth all the expense and worry to bring such a valuable new tool to the parenting and childcare market.”

The simply packaged, brightly colored cups look, at first glance, like a regular plastic glass. The difference in this BPA-free drinking cup is the simple patented insert that transforms it into a steady flow delivery system, simulating drinking from a real cup without the mess.

“It's just easier for tiny hands to control,” says Dragonic, “and that helps them feel more independent. But if they're running down the hall with it, as they invariably will the first moment you are not looking, it won't splash. And then when it's time to clean it, you just pop it in the sink or the dishwasher, with no complicated buttons or valves to gunk up or lose. ”

Early sales have been positive, as at least one entire daycare has transitioned to the new development with ease. Of course, parents themselves have been in on the action, buying as many as 8 at a time to ensure there is always one on hand for toddler "thirsties".

“Whether they're filled with water, milk or juice, it helps little kids feel like big kids,” says Dragonic, “but the Reflo will keep it off your tables and floors.”

For more information on the revolutionary design of the Reflo cups, or to arrange and interview contact....XXX

Steve B
06-08-2011, 06:17 AM
Hi Pete - I read your latest version and found it quite boring. Although I still like the headline. I don't think anyone will care about your patent application, your lathe, how long it took to develop or how many cups a repeat purchaser bought on their second purchase. They will be more interested in the benefits of this product. Patrysha's version is a bit better, but still leaves a lot to be desired in my opinion.

Reflo Ltd
06-08-2011, 08:54 AM
Patrysha,

That was an awesome job. I already sent the previous release to all my local media yesterday afternoon. Tuesday is the best day locally for a number of reasons but primarily because of deadline dates for some of the local publications.

I did receive a call back last evening from one local television station and they are coming here this evening at 6:45 to film for their 2 newscasts in the late evening.

I really liked your approach and presentation with the re-write.... now I know who to call the next time I need a refined touch on a press release. Maybe you could share your contact info with me... I'm not sure if I have it.

Reflo Ltd
06-08-2011, 09:04 AM
Hi Pete - I read your latest version and found it quite boring. Although I still like the headline. I don't think anyone will care about your patent application, your lathe, how long it took to develop or how many cups a repeat purchaser bought on their second purchase. They will be more interested in the benefits of this product. Patrysha's version is a bit better, but still leaves a lot to be desired in my opinion.

I had hoped that those little extra bits of info painted a picture of the hands-on involvement I have had and that there was actually a patent application made vs me just having an idea and calling myself an inventor.

As for boring, that is tougher to overcome. It is a child's drinking cup and although a very cool product I don't know how thrilling a story about it can be.

As I was reading news last night online I realized what headlines caught my attention... so maybe my next one should be "Councilman Commits Murder" Then I can go on about how I am killing the competition.... lol

Spider
06-08-2011, 09:08 AM
Good job, Patrysha. Prompted by Steve B's comment, I would liked to have had the mental picture of the child running about the house splashing orange juice everywhere, closer to the beginning!

Patrysha
06-08-2011, 10:08 AM
Do you have some little kids to borrow for the filming?

I don't really do one-of releases as an open service anymore, but when the time comes get in touch. My info is always in my siggy...just remember the witch :-) It's Marketing Witchcraft - A touch of magic for your small business marketing (http://www.marketingwitchcraft.com)

And yes, Tuesdays are almost universally a good day to get a release out. It can vary depending on pub & air dates and deadlines, but when in doubt Tuesday is the best day to choose.

Patrysha
06-08-2011, 10:12 AM
Good job, Patrysha. Prompted by Steve B's comment, I would liked to have had the mental picture of the child running about the house splashing orange juice everywhere, closer to the beginning!

You're right...but one does what can at somewhere past midnight :-) Oddly enough, I had almost added splashing to the first paragraph but couldn't find a decent transitional sentence to make it flow...though really orange juice isn't the one that strikes fear into the hearts of mothers...that would be grape juice or fruit punch...

Blessed
06-08-2011, 10:57 AM
Red koolaid in Sunday School class on Easter Sunday... now that strikes fear in my heart :)

We like Pete's cups around here... sorry I was late for the press reviewing re-writing party. I'm usually too wordy when I write press releases, (although I've gotten a lot better in the past few months!) but I've got an expert press-release writer on call - we've worked together for some mutual clients and have become friends! If you need her contact info let me know.

Reflo Ltd
06-08-2011, 01:50 PM
I just had a phone call from a local newspaper too. She recognized my name from some of my recent political activities and I think that helped.

I'll have to post links when articles or news stories are available.

Patrysha
06-08-2011, 02:05 PM
More importantly create a media section on your website and put your releases and coverage :-)

Patrysha
06-08-2011, 02:14 PM
oh and also post your releases to free distribution sites, it won't likely do much in terms of real coverage, but it's excellent for backlinks/seo

KristineS
06-08-2011, 04:21 PM
More importantly create a media section on your website and put your releases and coverage :-)

I've got to second Patrysha on this. Definitely make sure that people know you're getting mentioned.

Blessed
06-08-2011, 06:57 PM
More importantly create a media section on your website and put your releases and coverage :-)

I'm adding a third to this suggestion. It really is important.

Reflo Ltd
06-09-2011, 01:02 AM
Hi All.... here is a link to the news story done tonight on my product. I cannot get the function to work to share the video no matter what I do so I have to paste the long link.... I can't post it on FB or anywhere else for that matter without using the long link which doesn't give a good clean end result.

Reflo Ltd
06-09-2011, 01:03 AM
Hi All.... here is a link to the news story done tonight on my product. I cannot get the function to work to share the video no matter what I do so I have to paste the long link.... I can't post it on FB or anywhere else for that matter without using the long link which doesn't give a good clean end result.

http://www.woio.com/global/video/flash/popupplayer.asp?ClipID1=5938515&h1=Smart%20Cup%3A%20Councilman%20doubles%20as%20an %20inventor&vt1=v&at1=News&d1=121200&LaunchPageAdTag=News%20-%20Hard%20News&activePane=info&rnd=78503680

Spider
06-09-2011, 09:12 AM
Hey! That's pretty cool! You should milk that video for all it's worth. Your website, Youtube, Hulu, make lots of cd's and give them away, hand them out to local retailers, send them to as many companies as you can.

That could be your Golden Ticket.

Well done!

Steve B
06-10-2011, 07:04 AM
You're getting great results. I can't wait to see these things in all the stores.

Reflo Ltd
06-10-2011, 09:02 AM
You're getting great results. I can't wait to see these things in all the stores.

Me too... lol

I received a call from a county health board wanting to see about getting approval to purchase these statewide for a healthy children effort, getting them off of sippy cups.

Spider
06-10-2011, 09:16 AM
Wow! You are on a roll, Pete!

Don't forget us at SBF when you are the national king of childrens' drinking cups!

KristineS
06-10-2011, 11:55 AM
Nice video! Good for you. That's the sort of recognition you need to get.

Blessed
06-10-2011, 03:23 PM
go Pete, go Pete, go Pete... (it's your SBF fan club cheering for you)

Congratulations - that is a great video!

bizmultiplier
06-10-2011, 04:28 PM
How about:
Councilman Discovers Secret to Reducing Toddler's Spills

Or

Councilman Proposes Solution to Toddler Drinking Problems

Ok...I was kidding about the second one...

bizmultiplier
06-10-2011, 04:32 PM
Also...GREAT product. I'm impressed. I hope you become a multi-millionaire from this!

Reflo Ltd
06-10-2011, 11:06 PM
Thanks everyone for the support and comments.

More great news. The parent company of our local news channel is picking up the clip. They loved the story and product... and will be airing it in 36 markets across the US over the next two weeks.

The local viewing produced about 250-300 units sold..... it might be an absolute madhouse here over the next couple of weeks.

Patrysha
06-10-2011, 11:15 PM
Make sure to check your bandwidth and what not with your host now...before it hits the larger news sources. The last thing you want now is a lapse in service because too many people visit at the same time...I don't know how many people it takes to do that...but I know it was something that someone found out when they got mentioned on AOL a few years back.

greenoak
06-11-2011, 08:20 AM
pete, what a great response!!! thanks for sharing the process....

erichtoll
08-12-2011, 10:54 PM
I don't know if this has already been mentioned, but don't call them NEWS releases. Important difference. Press release implies print or newspaper, which of course are dying out. News also invites your customers to read, and with the internet, the middle man is being cut out. So write directly for your end customer.

<please set up a signature through your control panel>

alphadore
08-28-2011, 08:29 AM
Thanks everyone for the support and comments.

More great news. The parent company of our local news channel is picking up the clip. They loved the story and product... and will be airing it in 36 markets across the US over the next two weeks.

The local viewing produced about 250-300 units sold..... it might be an absolute madhouse here over the next couple of weeks.

Congratulations Reflo. Apparently you are delivering a press release that what your local media is interested in. However, just for the sake of sharing an experience, the short PR I read would never be published in a region where I live (Dubai, UAE). Media here is overly critical about any press release with a subjective approach to telling the story. I guess, being used to it, I have not found your PR very much news worthy. But having said that, your PR is very well written and entertaining to read. It would be a great article in a blog, forum, newspaper, but not a great Press Release in my opinion.