PDA

View Full Version : Help updating the Copy



rezzy
10-12-2009, 04:53 PM
Hello everyone.

I have been working on revamping a clients website, I will show that later this week. :) In the meantime, I wanted some help updatnig the copy on the site.

Currently:

Unique Skin Care offers clinically safe and effective skin care treatments. To enhance your beauty I offer medically based facials, including dermaplaning, and other skin care treatments .

Imagine yourself under the care of a dedicated professional who has mastered the techniques of age-defying aesthetic treatments. Relax and experience what Unique Skin Care has to offer.

My relationship with my clients is one of trust and respect. I invite you to explore my complete menu of skin care services that will further enhance your innermost beauty and outermost expression. I offer a free skin care consultation, which enables me to recommend the best plan of treatment to suit your individual needs and desires.
Some of you may remember this copy. I know the idea is to take the focus off her, and make it about the customers. But I am not word smith and would like sugesstions on fine tuning this.

vangogh
10-12-2009, 05:52 PM
This won't necessarily be great, especially since I don't really know the service or the benefits of the service, but here you go.


Unique Skin Care offers clinically safe and effective skin care treatments. To enhance your beauty I offer medically based facials, including dermaplaning, and other skin care treatments .

Enhance your natural beauty with medically based facials, including dermaplaning to exfoliate your skin and leave it looking vibrant and youthful.


magine yourself under the care of a dedicated professional who has mastered the techniques of age-defying aesthetic treatments. Relax and experience what Unique Skin Care has to offer.

Relax and experience a new you with Unique Skin Care master techniques.


My relationship with my clients is one of trust and respect. I invite you to explore my complete menu of skin care services that will further enhance your innermost beauty and outermost expression. I offer a free skin care consultation, which enables me to recommend the best plan of treatment to suit your individual needs and desires.

Your trust and respect is very important to me. I'll work hard always to earn your respect and offer a free skin care consultation to earn your trust. Explore my complete menu of skin care services to bring out your innermost beauty.

Patrysha
10-12-2009, 06:55 PM
I'd up the luxury and personalization of skin care treatments and focus on the health more than the beauty benefits.

The truth is most women don't want to be vain, but we want to be beautiful. So going with the innermost beauty stuff, quite frankly sounds like a guy is writing it.

It doesn't resonate with me at least...and though I know I am not always the most typical woman, I do think most of my friends would agree with me.

If you can show us how skin care and paying attention to ourselves in better for our family, our business or our career...it's easier to convince us that it's less of a luxury and more of an investment :-)

We know beauty is fleeting no matter what concoctions we put on our faces or how many potions we dump into our hair...so you kind of got to get us on the experience as much as (if not more than) the results...

Dan Furman
10-13-2009, 01:13 PM
To me, it's not so much a question of the prose itself. It's more of why / how someone came to this page (specifically), and addressing that reason.

Also, to be honest, it always bums me to see writing generally reduced to a worthless afterthought in the e-commerce equation.

vangogh
10-14-2009, 02:03 AM
You really do need to identify why people are coming to the site and why they might be interested in the product. Who are the customers? What do they like? What are they interested in? What emotions drive them? What are their wants and needs?

You have to know or at least guestimate something about potential customers in order to be able to write for them. It helps you identify what benefits of the product will resonate with them and help you choose the right tone.

rezzy
10-14-2009, 04:32 PM
Thats something I dont know right off hand, I would need to consult with the client.

vangogh
10-15-2009, 02:15 AM
True. I wouldn't expect you to know that offhand. Hopefully your client does know. Try ti get as much information from them as you can about their clients and customers. Get demographic information and ask them what customers tell them about why they buy from them. Try to get to know their customers as well as you can.

The more you know the easier it will become to write for them. You'll have a better idea why they buy and then tailor your copy to hit on their emotional triggers.

Dan Furman
10-15-2009, 11:23 AM
True. I wouldn't expect you to know that offhand. Hopefully your client does know. Try to get as much information from them as you can about their clients and customers.

Yup.

There are two main questions the client / web person need to answer:


1) What do you want the website to do?

Specifically. Do you want it to close business? Then you need to have #2 (below) firmly in place, and write the copy to close these people. If you just want it as backup marketing and "well, I have to have a website, don't I?" then the copy/where they are coming from isn't all that important. But then, don't expect much (if anything) from the site, either.

ok, assuming you want the site to close business, you need to know:

2) Where are the web visitors coming from? And WHY are they coming?

Again - specifically. Is there a pay per click ad(s)? Let's see it then - what's it saying? Or will the visitors come from organic search? Ok, what keywords? Are they coming from a forum? What's the forum about? What are they expecting when they come to your site?

Or, will the visitors come from other advertising (yellow pages / brochures / etc?) What does that info entail? You need to know from where and why they are coming. Only then can you close them.


I'm continually surprised at the amount of websites made that don't do either one of these.

Paper Shredder Clay
10-21-2009, 11:22 AM
I don't I want to burst your bubble or make you feel inadequate, but if this is for a site, the client should have a copywriter go over the copy. Its best for the client and for you. Or in the least, you need to learn more about your client, and learn the language used in their business/industry, so you can use the same dialogue he/she would use everyday in their business.

rezzy
10-22-2009, 03:45 PM
I don't I want to burst your bubble or make you feel inadequate,
I dont consider myself a copywriter. Neither do I consider myself a perfect writer. My expertise exists in semantic website design, programming. My bubble has not been popped.


Or in the least, you need to learn more about your client, and learn the language used in their business/industry, so you can use the same dialogue he/she would use everyday in their business.

I believe that excerpt was written by someone else, not me and not the owner. When I brought it up before, I got some good suggestions to tune the paragraph. Thanks for that bit of information.
=====
Her biggest client base is women. Although she does have some men clients. She says her most popular service is deep pore cleansing, (I have had it done once and the difference is noticeable). She focuses on women with acne and rosacea.

vangogh
10-22-2009, 06:10 PM
She focuses on women with acne and rosacea.

Hopefully that's mentioned prominently on the home page and throughout the site. Her other services should also be mentioned, but if that's the focus then it should be displayed more prominently and written about more prominently.

rezzy
10-23-2009, 07:32 AM
Hopefully that's mentioned prominently on the home page and throughout the site. Her other services should also be mentioned, but if that's the focus then it should be displayed more prominently and written about more prominently.

I would agree with that synposis, however its not even mentioned, aside from on the "services" page.

vangogh
10-23-2009, 10:47 PM
It should be. If that's who her main customers are then she should make it obvious that she serves them well from the moment they arrive on the site.