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vangogh
04-23-2009, 04:11 AM
Just read an interesting post at Zen Habits about how fear holds us back. The post is called A Guide to the Fears that Hold us Back (http://zenhabits.net/2009/04/a-guide-to-beating-the-fears-that-are-holding-you-back/) and lists different kind of fears with the opinion that the fear of not being good enough is the root of all the other fears.

There's a list of things you can do to get past this fear in the post.

I agree with the idea of not being good enough as the root of the other fears mentioned. Here's the list.

failure
abandonment/rejection
intimacy
success
being broke
not being good enough

I suspect many of us here have overcome this fear since we are in business. We're at the very least pushing past the fear of not being good enough and just being out there doing instead.

In my own case I can honestly say the fear of not being good enough did hold me back until I started seeing how many others were succeeding who I thought I could do better than.

Do you agree with the fear of not being good enough being the root cause of the other fears? Did you feel it? Do you still feel it? I still do at times, but instead of letting the fear control me, I use it to motivate myself to become better.

Steve B
04-23-2009, 05:57 AM
I didn't read the article - but it seems to me that the "failure" fear is at the heart of some of them. Do people really fear success, or do they fear failing to be successful? Do they really fear intimacy, or do they fear failing at intimacy?

vangogh
04-23-2009, 11:04 AM
But feeling that you won't be good enough is why you'd fear failure. If you feel like you will be good enough then you generally won't feel like you'll fail.

I do think some people fear success. It's common for people to get comfortable in their own misery. Success means change and we don't all do well with change.

nighthawk
04-23-2009, 11:25 AM
I didn't read the article - but it seems to me that the "failure" fear is at the heart of some of them. Do people really fear success, or do they fear failing to be successful? Do they really fear intimacy, or do they fear failing at intimacy?

from personal experience then this certainly seems to be the case. Ive resisted starting up on my own for quite a while - mainly because I'm worried it all goes wrong and end up losing everything. I guess thats why I am working on the side initially until it becomes established.

In other aspects it certainly seems to be true as well - avoiding chatting up that gorgeous girl because you are convinced she will not be interested etc.

vangogh
04-23-2009, 11:46 AM
So why do you think you might fail? Isn't it because you fear not being good enough at some aspect of business? I understand why you're both looking toward fear of failure, but there are reasons why you think you might fail in the first place.

If you're confident in yourself that you will be good enough you won't fear failing.

Spider
04-23-2009, 01:24 PM
For me, fear of not being good enough was how I held myself back. I have never felt afraid of failure or of success, though. I guess one reason for holding myself back was enough!

I can see the progression, though - fear of not being good enough leads to fear of failure or success, but I don't see it as a forgone conclusion. For me it wasn't. I can see confidence being involved, too, but I have always been very confident even though aware of my concern about not being good enough. In other words, I would often press ahead unconcerned about whether I succeeded or failed - I did it for the doing rather than for the result.

I think one can be confident, and proceed confidently, and not be afraid of failing, but still be afraid one might not be good enough. I suppose this begs the question - good enough for what?

KarenB
04-23-2009, 01:46 PM
Excellent post, Steve, as usual!

I found it surprising that the fear of 'success' was on that list, but now I know why!

I had always feared 'failure' more than success, but now I know that achieving 'success' can be just as scary.

Achieving success at a certain level always seems to inspire our wish to advance to the next level. Our goals change along the way, so what was 'success' to us yesterday may now open up a whole new world of possibilities that we may or may not be prepared to face.

Steve, you have been with me since the very beginning when I tapped into your creativity to build me a decent website on a limited budget. Back then I felt invisible and barely able to compete in the marketplace that I had targeted. You provided me with a solid foundation...a great starting point to present myself professionally. When I further expand my business, you will be the first one I turn to, not only for web design, but just for your practical common sense that you share so willingly with others.

I never feared success. I always feared failure.

Now that success is here, unless I make the right business decisions going forward, I won't be in a position to take advantage of it. Should I have feared success? Maybe yes, maybe no. But I sure know that it is definitely something that folks should plan ahead for because when that day comes, there are some critical factors that may determine the growth of one's business or its eventual stagnation and perhaps even its subsequent demise.

Karen

vangogh
04-23-2009, 05:10 PM
I can see the progression, though - fear of not being good enough leads to fear of failure or success, but I don't see it as a forgone conclusion.

I'd agree that it's not a forgone conclusion. I do think the progression is right and that fear of failure comes from a fear of not being good enough, but it doesn't mean the latter automatically leads to the former.


I had always feared 'failure' more than success, but now I know that achieving 'success' can be just as scary.

I think most people would say they don't fear success and that they'd welcome it, but I do think some people have a fear of success. A lot changes with success and some, perhaps as a result of fearing not being good enough, aren't sure they can handle those changes.

When we envision success, most of us envision all the good, but forget about the bad. Take being famous for example. People who wish to be famous often neglect to consider the lack of privacy that comes with it. Also while most of us want to be successful some will have feelings of not being good enough and subconsciously sabotage their success because they don't feel they deserve it.

Thanks too for the kind words. As you might guess I've been happy to see your success.

KristineS
04-23-2009, 05:12 PM
I think for me not being good enough underlies any of the other fears I might have. It's kind of insidious how it works it way in there and undermines my self confidence. I've slowly beaten that fear to it's knees over the years, but it still pops up on occasion.

Sometimes I do believe the people who say that the biggest obstacle in the way of an individual's success if himself or herself. It amazes me sometimes how many ways my brain can think of to sabotage me if I let it.

vangogh
04-23-2009, 05:24 PM
Kristine read through the steps for overcoming your fear in the article. The first step is acknowledging your fear, which you've now done.

Blacktalon
04-23-2009, 05:35 PM
My fear is a little bit different. My fear is the fear of changing someone's method of doing things when I follow the "don't interfere. Let things be as they are" type thing. Yet while the fear is prevalent, I see it as a motivator, a barrier to overcome that ultimately gives me those valuable "Experience points" in order to "level up", in RPG terms.

Fear can be the ultimate motivator when used accordingly as such.

As for the inferiority complex, that's a norm whenever someone is just starting out in something new. I just look at it as a fickle feeling, realizing that I will never advance further if I let it hold me back. Then it usually subsides and my confidence increases substantially.

Again, using fear as a tool of advancement.

vangogh
04-23-2009, 05:46 PM
Do you think you fear changing their method in part because you're afraid your method won't be good enough?

I try to use fear to motivate me too. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you face your fears. Usually you find there wasn't anything to be afraid of in the first place which is very freeing.

We all still fear things. I know every time I design a new site at some point in the process I have the I'm not good enough feeling. I understand it's just part of my (and many others) process for creation. I acknowledge the fear and then improve on my design.

Spider
04-23-2009, 06:28 PM
Although the article looks at overcoming one 's fears, I would like to ask how members here overcame the fears they have stated.

Patrysha
04-23-2009, 06:40 PM
I've found fear to be much less of an issue in my life since I conquered my biggest fear (driving) and got my license three years ago (yes, at 33! After having three children and living in the Arctic)

Feel the fear and do it anyway has become my personal catchphrase.

The biggest thing holding me back now is the shoestring budget, but the kitty is growing every day and I've been able to put more into marketing materials (like my print mini-book) and marketing opportunities (like the trade show booth) over the past month than the in the previous six. So it's building.

The thing is I could fall flat on my face and have absolutely nothing pay off...so what?

As a family we came back from having 5 large suitcases, 6 carry on bags and two carseats to our name...to living in a great house in a wonderful little community with options for growth. We could go back to broke and having nothing tomorrow -and we'd still be richer than most of the world's population.

cbscreative
04-23-2009, 07:35 PM
Also while most of us want to be successful some will have feelings of not being good enough and subconsciously sabotage their success because they don't feel they deserve it.

That's exactly what I was thinking when the question about fear of success and intimacy was asked. People with these fears have the ability hold themselves back, and I think they usually don't even consciously realize they are the ones derailing themselves, even though they do it deliberately.

vangogh
04-23-2009, 10:43 PM
Frederick I just do my best to face my fears. It wasn't easy, but at some point in my life I started realizing that the things I feared weren't going to be as bad as I feared they would be. You start doing it a little it becomes easier.


People with these fears have the ability hold themselves back, and I think they usually don't even consciously realize they are the ones derailing themselves

Yep. I know I've done that myself in the past and I see others doing it all the time. Most of what happens to us is our own doing.

KristineS
04-24-2009, 12:54 PM
Frederick,

I think I have overcome a lot of my fears. I let my concerns about not being good enough and low self esteem stop me from trying new things for a lot of years. I think I've taken more risks in the past five years than I have at any other point in my life. As a result, I'm happier. I won't say I'm more satisfied because there is still a lot I want to do, but I do feel that my life is richer.

Blacktalon
04-24-2009, 06:18 PM
Although the article looks at overcoming one 's fears, I would like to ask how members here overcame the fears they have stated.


I just look at it as a fickle feeling, realizing that I will never advance further if I let it hold me back. Then it usually subsides and my confidence increases substantially.
Already answered for ya. Next question!

Do you think you fear changing their method in part because you're afraid your method won't be good enough?

Silly assumption. It's merely a matter of the fear of intruding. Never liked to interfere for whatever reason. Quality of methods is not an issue.

vangogh
04-24-2009, 06:41 PM
No assumption. It was a question. Just keeping the thread on topic and the question was certainly plausible.

phanio
04-25-2009, 08:50 AM
Do you agree with the fear of not being good enough being the root cause of the other fears? Did you feel it? Do you still feel it? I still do at times, but instead of letting the fear control me, I use it to motivate myself to become better.


Is it fear of failure or fear that someone else will see you as a failure? In my experiences, if I try my best and fail - I can live with that. But, what haunts me is someone else seeing me as a failure - especially someone that counts on me like my family.

vangogh
04-25-2009, 12:20 PM
Interesting Joseph. That adds another layer to the equation. Does that fear of others seeing you as a failure ever stop you from trying something? Your family is a special case. Other than family and close friends are there certain people who you particularly don't want to think of you as a failure?

I'd still see fear of not being good enough is at the root of that failure.

For myself I naturally want people to see me as successful, but I really don't care how people view me. I have my own criteria for success and failure and I'm only concerned with living up to my own criteria.