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rezzy
03-10-2009, 12:35 PM
I wanted to analyze one my clients copy. Unique Skin Care (http://www.uniqueskincare.net/)

Is there a strong call to action? Do you see any places to help pull visitors to contacting?

vangogh
03-10-2009, 01:20 PM
The only thing on the page I would say is a call to action is the "Call us Today" which is good, but it would be better to have something in the content itself. What's the goal of this page? Is it to get the visitor to call or get them to click for more information? Since this is the home page of the site I'd suggest it's aim is mostly to direct people deeper into the site.

The links aren't really 'calls' since they aren't specifically asking someone to do something. A good call to action would start with something more like a command.

"Learn more about dermaplaning"
"See what other skin care treatments we offer"

Those aren't necessarily the best, but hopefully the point is clear.

I don't know that the home page needs strong calls in the sense of contacting the client.

One thing I notice in the home page copy is the focus is all about "I" Put the emphasis on the visitor.

Here's what's on the page:


To enhance your beauty I offer medically based facials, including dermaplaning, and other skin care treatments

Here's a quick rewrite:

Enhance your natural beauty with medically based facials through clinically safe and effective skin care treatments.


Encourage the regeneration of your healthy skin through dermaplaning
Remove moles safely and inexpensively
Reduce age spots without pain
Intensify the color of your lashes and eyebrows through tinting


Again not necessarily the best, but it's simply rewriting the content you already have on the site. Notice how it puts the focus on the visitor. Potential customers want to know what's in it for them. The copy above attempts to focus on the benefits to the customer.

The customer doesn't care about what Unique Skin Care offers. The customer does care about enhancing their own beauty and feeling better.

thx4yrtym
03-10-2009, 02:08 PM
1.The owner is an attractive woman. I would consider placing her photo on the home page somewhere above the fold.

2. The first thing that I noticed was your horizontal menu. Something is different as far as placement goes and I can't figure out what it is.

I agree with comments above.

3. On the biography page there is mention of a local plastic surgeon. I question if her biography is the place for this and the surgeon is not mentioned any where else. I don't know if I want to get involved with a plastic surgeon, I might just want a facial. I might take out the reference and move to it's own page.
4. If she is certified I would find an image for the certification and put it on the home page for all to see.

Best of luck,

rezzy
03-10-2009, 02:14 PM
Thanks Steven, Reading those two statements really shows the two angles. What is there was written by her, but I will recommend some changes to the copy. I think making the changes will really refocus the site.

vangogh
03-10-2009, 05:27 PM
Glad to help. Remember the site is for potential customers so they should be the focus of the copy.

Dan Furman
03-11-2009, 01:20 AM
Here's my .02:

Like Steve said, on the landing page, the focus should not be so much about what she does, it should be more on what the customer came for. But you can throw in what she does, as long as the first part is handled.

Basically, as soon as I get there, the copy should say something to the effect of "if you are looking for a facial / skin care / waxing in xxxxx town, then you are in the right place". Then go more into the results you will experience.

Not in those exact words, obviously, but that's the first thing I should see.

See, here's the biggest problem people run into when writing their own copy - THEY will read it, because they wrote it. Their families, friends, web designer... they'll all read it because they were asked to. And they'll all have an opinion and say "yea, that sounds good, etc"

But is it good enough to entice a complete stranger to read it, and then click to find out more? THAT'S the acid test. In fact, in the end, that's all that really matters, isn't it?

As it stands now... no, the current copy really isn't (just being honest). It loses me before I even get to the second sentence. Now, admittedly, I'm not in the market for a facial, but it should still be interesting enough to pull me along. Also, not liking the font much - it's hard to read. Verdana or Arial is your best bet.

In addition, the testimonials... are they real? They just seem very forced (apologies if they are real). Like the writer wanted to cover all aspects. On a related note, I know some will say "privacy", but last names would be nice. I distrust testimonials without them (people who give testimonials never have a problem with this.)

Agree with her pic on the front page. Not because she's an attractive female but because in a personal business, a pic is good (I'm not an attractive female, and I use my pic on my site. :) )

Hope this helps somewhat, even if it's a bit on the negative side in regards to her copy.

vangogh
03-11-2009, 02:21 AM
See, here's the biggest problem people run into when writing their own copy - THEY will read it, because they wrote it. Their families, friends, web designer... they'll all read it because they were asked to. And they'll all have an opinion and say "yea, that sounds good, etc"

This brings up a great point about who you should ask for feedback. Most people won't give you useful feedback. They might want to, but it's harder when you know the person. While I know my mom is an objective person, I'm still pretty sure she's going to like anything I do just because I did it. I can still ask her opinion about things, but I've developed a sense of when it's support and when it's feedback.

Adding to the above we also all read our own work and it's extremely hard for any of us to be completely objective with our own work. We may think it's better than it is or we may think it's worse than it is. Being honest and object about our own work is a tough skill to master.


I'm not an attractive female, and I use my pic on my site.

The facial hair gives it away :)

rezzy
03-11-2009, 04:49 PM
Thanks for the tips. I had little to no input on the webcopy. When the site went up, I simply took her content and placed it in. Which is why I wanted to take the time to analyze and think critically about the choices that have been made.

I am in the process of adding some new features to allow her to have more continuous contact with her clients and meanwhile fixing webcopy and improving the template.

I enjoy the negative response given so far. I almost hate when people cheerfully approve of something. If everyone said its great, I would leave the forum in search of more truthful/blunt people.

vangogh
03-11-2009, 05:21 PM
If it will make you happy we can be more negative :)

You may find the hardest part in this is convincing the client to change the copy. Some are less willing than others.

Glad we can help and keep us updated.

Dan Furman
03-11-2009, 05:40 PM
If everyone said its great, I would leave the forum in search of more truthful/blunt people.

don't ask me if you look fat in something... :)

vangogh
03-11-2009, 05:47 PM
Dan does my avatar look like it gained weight recently? :)

Just H
03-12-2009, 12:06 PM
Looks like the right ear is a little fatter!

I agree w/ the previous comments. (Also, there's an extra space after link for "other skin care treatments" and the period. I don't see much call to action or anything much compelling me to keep reading.

If I were searching out this type of treatment and lived in the area, I probably would contact the woman though. I think the emphasis should be on the spa/self-care part that isn't absolutely necessary and drive to action based on that - giving yourself some attention to look and feel better.

vangogh
03-12-2009, 07:36 PM
I'll put my lobe on a diet then. That's where all the weight seems to go.

Paul Elliott
03-16-2009, 03:03 AM
The copy and approach has a distinctly Oxford English tone probably from the owner's background. That's fine but there are a number of grammatical errors in the copy on several pages which should be corrected by someone who knows good editing.

More later.

Paul