Help with written Elevator Pitch to Angel Investors

[grasshopper]

I'm drafting an Elevator Pitch to send along to Angel Investors... but I'm new to this and even after having read a ton of websites on how to do it, I'm still not sure since they all give slightly different information.

I'm posting up the draft here in the hopes I can get suggestions on how to improve it.

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Hello, My name is John Smith. My company is a driving and traffic school seeking to expand into the online market, nationwide.

We seed to provide state required drivers education and traffic violators school, Online

Our customer base are Teens getting their license, adult drivers getting their first license or those wanting to brush-up on skills and all drivers ordered by the courts to attend traffic violators school.

Having spent a combined total of 18 years in the driving and traffic school industry we have listened to our students describe about the lack of affordable, quality online drivers education and traffic school. Our Online driving and traffic school will be designed based on this feedback, using their suggestions and our experience to create a stress free, mobile-friendly class anywhere they go.

It will be affordable, with a savings of up to 60% over our primary competition. Our products and services are Required by Law, making this a unique business with a very motivated market.

Projected Company Value (Year 5) $62,527,873

I'd like to schedule a time to talk more about our vision, send you our business plan, explore possible investment and how we may be able to work together.
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Suggestions? (please be gentle, I'm new at this)

[Patrysha]

I don't know much about Angel Investors - but I probably wouldn't be giving this opportunity a second look - but I'm a publicist and write to get media coverage and not money so maybe it's different...who are you? why should I (as an angel investor) trust you to give me a bigger return on my money than the other 50 once in a lifetime opportunities that cross my desk each and every day? Why are you worth meeting with? Tell me about your vision here and make me want to be a part of it before I call you...

Don't sell me on a meeting...sell me on what you can deliver if I say yes to your offer...

[grasshopper]

I don't know much about Angel Investors - but I probably wouldn't be giving this opportunity a second look - but I'm a publicist and write to get media coverage and not money so maybe it's different...who are you? why should I (as an angel investor) trust you to give me a bigger return on my money than the other 50 once in a lifetime opportunities that cross my desk each and every day? Why are you worth meeting with? Tell me about your vision here and make me want to be a part of it before I call you...

Don't sell me on a meeting...sell me on what you can deliver if I say yes to your offer...

Thanks for your reply, however I was hoping for specific re-writing advice and not just general rules. I've visited a lot of sites with that same advice but it does not make sense to me...I thought I covered those points well...I guess not.

Who are we? I explained that. Why should you trust me? how can that be explained in a 60 second elevator pitch? We have 18 years of experience in this industry.
The vision.... I thought I covered that too. An affordable online driving and traffic school
What we have to offer... Our experience and the 62+ million dollar 5 year valuation was not enough?

I don't know why such a short piece of writing is proving to be so difficult but after 2 weeks of looking at sites and re-writing this over and over with my business partner we are no closer to a solution.

[Wozcreative]

An elevator pitch is a single sentence or two. Short.

I think you are going for a proposal instead but I'm not clear. The grammar and wording is very poor. It reads as if english is not your first language, which is fine... but you will need to hire someone to put a business plan/proposal together.

I generally have a structure to these things.

I often use:

1) A greeting
2) A sentence or two of where I know the company/person from
3) Maybe compliment on their work or say something about what you know about them

4) Tell them what you are contacting them for
5) Show examples/proof of your idea
6) Possibly offer proof of your previous experience and business knowledge to peak their interest at how passionate you are. Give proof scenarios.
7) How your idea will help THEM

8) Ask for a meeting


Your whole message sounds like you don't really know how to run a business and communicate your idea. This is very worrisome to people who are going to trust you with money.

[grasshopper]

An elevator pitch is a single sentence or two. Short.

I think you are going for a proposal instead but I'm not clear. The grammar and wording is very poor. It reads as if english is not your first language, which is fine... but you will need to hire someone to put a business plan/proposal together.

I generally have a structure to these things.

I often use:

1) A greeting
2) A sentence or two of where I know the company/person from
3) Maybe compliment on their work or say something about what you know about them

4) Tell them what you are contacting them for
5) Show examples/proof of your idea
6) How your idea will help THEM

6) Ask for a meeting


Your whole message sounds like you don't really know how to run a business and communicate your idea. This is very worrisome to people who are going to trust you with money.

I made one spelling error, I would not go so far as to say it was written poorly..English is my first language but this is just a draft at any rate. Pointing out the parts that are "written poorly" and offering counter suggestions would help a lot more than just saying "oh, it's written poorly"..which helps me zero.

Many different sites give a lot of different advice on how to write an elevator pitch.. I don't need the raw advice here, I don't understand what they are going for. Some people say written elevator pitches are just one or 2 lines. Others say you have to break it down into more parts.

I'm hoping for line-specific corrections or a re-write assistance rather than just general rules, as I stated previously.

If anyone knows any writing companies that do Elevator Pitches based on existing business plans, cheaply, let me know.

[grasshopper]

Can you post some examples online of written elevator pitches that are "one or two" lines?

I honestly don't see how I can cover everything that is said to be required in one or two lines but I'm willing to learn.

[Wozcreative]

I made one spelling error, I would not go so far as to say it was written poorly..English is my first language but this is just a draft at any rate. Pointing out the parts that are "written poorly" and offering counter suggestions would help a lot more than just saying "oh, it's written poorly"..which helps me zero.

Many different sites give a lot of different advice on how to write an elevator pitch.. I don't need the raw advice here, I don't understand what they are going for. Some people say written elevator pitches are just one or 2 lines. Others say you have to break it down into more parts.

I'm hoping for line-specific corrections or a re-write assistance rather than just general rules, as I stated previously.

If anyone knows any writing companies that do Elevator Pitches based on existing business plans, cheaply, let me know.

OK my apologies. It's not a "spelling error" though.. I pointed out it is grammatical. It's riddled with it. It also doesn't articulate much at all, which is why Patrysha, someone who specializes in content writing didn't even understand what you were trying to do. And she's used to working with stuff that needs to be re-written and polished and communicate strong ideas.

If I were to re-write your pitch line by line I might as well get 5% of the company. No professional here will do the work for YOU. If you're seriouse about this, you will go out and get it done professionally. It's nothing that can be done on a forum. All we can do is make suggestions. Someone has to literally sit down with you, take down a ton of notes, figure out what you're trying to do, what you're trying to communicate etc.

I have also taken the time to give you a well structured guide to a letter you could be using. What you currently have is "Hi, I'm john, I have an idea in the driver education school idea because I listened to complaints from students. I need money. Lets meet up."

What's in it for the investor? You've just gave a super vague idea, haven't proved any USP in your idea and haven't told the investor what's in it for him!

Common dude! You want people to write a letter for you that you cannot spend time figuring out? Spend the money to get it done professionally? Or even hire an editor to fix it up and asking for free work from a forum and getting upset that we aren't doing it for you? Good luck with the business idea. Sounds like your angel will have his work cut out for him. :rolleyes:

[Patrysha]

Thanks for your reply, however I was hoping for specific re-writing advice and not just general rules. I've visited a lot of sites with that same advice but it does not make sense to me...I thought I covered those points well...I guess not.

Oh and can I come to your driving school and hop in a car and take up your instructors time for free too? I get paid to write and re-write letters for people, I'm not going to give it away on a forum for free. I was asking those questions to get you to think deeper about your project and of your target - anything more than generic advice costs.

[Patrysha]

I don't know why such a short piece of writing is proving to be so difficult but after 2 weeks of looking at sites and re-writing this over and over with my business partner we are no closer to a solution.

Because writing short is waaaaaaay harder than writing long. Being concise and well spoken in few words takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. I don't know any writer who was born with a talent for writing short...that's why we need editors!

[Fulcrum]

I'm not going to repeat what Woz and Patrysha have already said, even though I agree with them. Rather, how is it that your company will be worth $62.5 MILLION after year 5? What, exactly are you going to do to monetize this? If this is your actual business, please don't answer this in a public forum as there are lurkers around who may try to hijack your idea and my intent is not to tear apart what you want to accomplish. Putting myself in an angel's shoes, I'm going to be rather skeptical about this.

With that said, whatever you do, do not fall into the trap of mistaking current value with theoretical future value. You cannot offer sell 10% of your company (to an angel) today based upon your $62,500,000 possible value.

[Steve B]

I don't think you need help with the editing. I think, regardless of how well it is written, it will not sound credible to any investor. Having a price 60% less than your competition and then coming up with such a huge valuation without any specific justification is not going to get you a meeting with anyone. It would sound unrealistic to an investor and I think they would pass.

[Wozcreative]

Because writing short is waaaaaaay harder than writing long. Being concise and well spoken in few words takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. I don't know any writer who was born with a talent for writing short...that's why we need editors!

I definitely don't have the talent for that! I find myself writing loooong emails and paragraphs and after a few edits and half an hour of staring at it.. end up deciding "wow thats just way too much info.. lets cut it down"... it's really hard!

[Harold Mansfield]

I pitched someone on a business idea about 12 years ago. He didn't bite, but he gave me a lot of tips on how unprepared I was and how to do it better next time.

I agree that you should edit the valuation. Those numbers are always BS based on perfect conditions and investors know it. Furthermore, unless you are answering HOW you will get to that value, it's a statement that just asks more questions than it answers.

Instead I'd replace it with return on investment information. How much will I make on my investment, compared to how much you are looking for, and how fast.

Also, I don't know if you've ever watched Shark Tank, but almost every time someone goes on there and they've done nothing...haven't invested any of their own money, or have no sales or a working model, they get denied. I've seen that in real life as well. You want to go in there saying "My business is....", not "I want to open a business....".

Investors want to see how much you've sacrificed on your own, and not that you are just looking for someone else to take all of the risk. I'm the same way when my friends or acquaintances come to me with website ideas. Usually it's nothing more than an idea and the whole thing hinges on me doing all of the work and knowing how to execute the idea successfully. No one is interested in being partners or investing with someone who hasn't done any work or brings nothing to the table.

Last thing...if this business has any patents or proprietary programs, products or information, you definitely want to mention that.

[phanio]

Not sure you send out an elevator pitch - better sending your entire b-plan or at least your executive summary. An elevator pitch is just that a pitch - not what you are trying to accomplish. Can't tell you how to pitch your business without knowing more but can offer two suggestions:

1) Always pitch what the investor wants to hear - how they will make money. Thus, focus on market, revenues and profits and the periods those were earned.
2) Do it from the heart - passion speaks loudly to investors because, in the end, they are not investing in your business but in you and your team.

[KristineS]

O.k., here's the deal. The pitch isn't well written. That's not a crime, some people don't write as well as others and that's why people who do write well sell their services. Leaving aside the confusion as to what you're meant to be writing, what will work etc., a well written pitch will always work better than a poorly written one. So that's problem one.

Problem two is that you don't seem to know what you want other than someone to give you a lot of money. As others on this thread have said, a good pitch will convince a potential investor that there's something in it for them and that they will recoup their investment. So sell your idea and why you think it's a good one. What will your driving/traffic school do that others can't? Why would people use it? How will the idea scale? What's going to make this idea successful? Why is this your passion and what do you bring to the table that will make this work? Did you just come up with this idea because you think someone might support it, or do you really believe there is a need and a use for it? You have to be an evangelist for your idea before anyone else will get behind it. That doesn't mean being salesy and cheesy, but it does mean being passionate and specific.

And then we get to problem three which is this: you don't appear to handle criticism well. Some people who are professionals in their fields pointed out some things that had not been done well in your potential pitch. Instead of taking their advice in hand and seeing what you could get from it, you came back with defensiveness. If you're this defensive now, what will you be like when a potential investor is shredding your concept and asking the hard questions? Will you be less defensive when there is a ton of money on the line? The reality is that you'll hear "no" and "here's why this won't work" a lot more than you'll hear yes. You have to be prepared for that.

The good news is that all these problems can be fixed. It just takes some thought and work

[Paul]

a little late on this but my comments are that of course, an "elevator pitch" is what you can spit out to a prospect during an elevator ride.

Gotta talk fast hitting the reason and important aspects of what the investment will do. A driving school is a really boring concept for most investors. Gotta give it some life, numbers , percentages, market size BUT,as has been said, forget about predicting future company valuations on the first "pitch" ...it is a mistake, even if its true. Get them educated on the business first, projections come later. Anyway, without knowing anything about it here's a quickie pitch with some made up numbers;

ABC Driving and Traffic school is positioned to grow its annual revenue from $ 100,000 to $ 500,000 in the next 5 years by utilizing internet related social media and online course services. (get their attention)

The driving school industry generates over 3 trillion dollars in the US annually. Over 40 % of clients are high school students, a demographic that is projected to grow by 40% over the next decade. (trend-market size-not so boring now)

Over 50% of all driving school enrollees choose a driving school through social media, a trend that is expected to reach over 90% in the next 3 years.
(another beneficial trend)

With over 18 years of traditional driving school business experience ABC is now expanding into providing online courses to meet the needs of today’s driving students. A significant portion of our enrollees will be those that have been ordered by courts to complete driver education courses. ABC is an accredited driving school licensed by ....and is fully compliant with all court and government regulations. ( a reliable market-validation of company)

Our online presence will allow us to service enrollees statewide, increasing our target market from our current trading area to over 10,000 statewide monthly enrollees. An online presence will also allow us to expand into neighboring states and ultimately nationwide. ( what the investment may mean in growth/market/revenue potential)

An investment of $ 50,000 will be used primarily for marketing and technical infrastructure.(simplistic use of proceeds)

Debt, equity or a combination of debt and equity investments can be structured to suit investors.
(open ended close that hopefully leads to further conversation)

[shadojake]

Okay, I am not a professional writer and will leave that constructive assessment to those who do it for a living. What struck me was the projected company value .... I immediately thought, "How did he arrive at that figure? What's it based on? What do you want from me?" IOW, how much is this gonna cost me and what do I get out of it if I choose to invest?