Is This Smart Copywriting?

[vangogh]

I just came across a follow up to Seth's post at GrokDotCom.

This is the part that caught my attention:

The best way to reveal the real substance (or lack thereof) of your message is to strip it down. Remove all the wordsmithing, jargon, self-applied labels, ad-speak, etc and you’ll get down to the core message.

The process of stripping “Unlike any coffee you’ve ever had before” down to “The Best Coffee” reveals the rather empty content of a slogan that, at first blush, doesn’t sound too bad.

To me that was one of Seth's main points, which I think we all agreed was good. The Starbucks comparison on the other hand...

[KristineS]

I think almost every message can stand to be stripped down to see what lies underneath. I think sometimes people get caught up in the fancy words or fall so in love with a particular idea that they fail to see they may not be making the point they wanted to make. Stripping some of the pretty language off can be painful, but it will help you get to the real core of your message.

[Marcomguy]

Speaking of stripping messages down:

Suppose you strip "The relentless pursuit of perfection" down to "The pursuit of perfection" or just "Perfection."

Does that improve the original slogan?

[vangogh]

Marcom I don't think your example would really be stripping down the message. It's removing words, but it alters the meaning significantly. You couldn't have changed "Unlike any coffee you've ever had before" to "coffee" to strip it down. You might change "The relentless pursuit of perfection" to something more like "chasing perfection. Maybe not the best example, but the message is still there.

[Blessed]

I don't think any of the copy suggested is very good... although I love Peets coffee and it definitely is better than Starbucks.

I think Peet's should emphasize what differentiates them from other coffee makers out there rather than getting caught in the "we're better than everyone else just because we are" thought pattern this ad seems stuck in.

[vangogh]

What don't you like about the suggested copy? Keep in mind no one ever suggested any of the copy is what Peet's should be using. This is really all just improving one specific piece of copy they are already using on a sign. Their sign is the one that's trying to send the message "we're better than everyone else." So the new copy is being suggested within that context, because that's the context Peet's set up with their sign.

[Blessed]

Originally Posted by vangogh

Keep in mind no one ever suggested any of the copy is what Peet's should be using. This is really all just improving one specific piece of copy they are already using on a sign. Their sign is the one that's trying to send the message "we're better than everyone else." So the new copy is being suggested within that context, because that's the context Peet's set up with their sign.

Very true Steve... I guess what I don't like about the copy is the "we're better than everyone else message" it is a common theme in advertising and I think it's trite. I want to know what a product is going to "do" for me - if you simply tell me you are better than everyone else I think that you simply don't know enough about what you are doing to give me some real information about your product or service.

As the CBS Creative Steve's has mentioned before graphic designers are usually a cynical lot so maybe I'm just living up to the stereotype but really I don't buy products just because the advertising says they are the best - I buy because of proven track records, information that makes me think I should try the product or service, or for coffee maybe one-liners like... "tantalizing your taste buds" it still doesn't really say anything but I like the mental image I get better than the one I get with "better than Starbucks" or "unlike any coffee you've ever tasted before"

I have to stop here and say that I've written ad copy before that says "we're the best" if that is what the customer wants and I can't talk them into something else then that is what the customer gets... at that point I'd have to say that I like the final version of ""FREE TASTE TEST Are we better than Starbucks?" better than the original - "unlike..." and I like it better because - it gives the customer an action point and a question to resolve - the action is participating in the free taste test and then they can decide if the coffee is better than Starbucks - the customer becomes more involved with the advertising and is more likely to remember Peets than if they just walked past the sign that said "unlike..."

OK, there's my 2¢

[vangogh]

Actually I agree with you about the whole saying "we're the best" thing. It's a meaningless statement since you can't ever tell me your the best. I think that's part of Seth's point. That the original copy, while at first glance, sounds ok, it's really just saying "we're the best" I think that's why he stripped it down to show that was the central message.

I do think the final with the free taste test is good. Will it work on everyone? Probably not, but it will likely get some people to try a coffee taster and some of those people may then go in for a full cup of coffee.

[Marcomguy]

Originally Posted by vangogh

Marcom I don't think your example would really be stripping down the message. It's removing words, but it alters the meaning significantly. You couldn't have changed "Unlike any coffee you've ever had before" to "coffee" to strip it down. You might change "The relentless pursuit of perfection" to something more like "chasing perfection. Maybe not the best example, but the message is still there.

I believe it is an example of stripping the message down. Think of what the slogan implies: that Lexus is on a continual quest to improve upon everything. They're perpetually dissatisfied. So one way of stripping it down would be to say: "We're dissatisfied."

But that could mean a general dissatisfaction; it doesn't capture the intent of the slogan. Another alternative could be: "Striving." As in, Lexus is always striving to create better products.

"Striving" implies efforts against a difficult task. Lexus wouldn't want to give the impression that it's hard for them to approach perfection. Hence "Striving" is out.

We're left with "chasing perfection" (your example), "pursuing perfection," and "the pursuit of perfection." I think the last one is the best. Like any good slogan, it's already pretty well stripped down. Can't really strip it any further. My question about reducing it to "perfection" was just to see if people thought that would make it better/worse.

Someone added "relentless" to "the pursuit of perfection" and gave the slogan its final form. I was just wondering what it would be like if that word was removed.

[vangogh]

That's my point. I think pursuit of perfection would be fine as an example of stripping down the message. It's relentless that's the extra word. But I don't think you can take pursuit out and still have the same message. I added chasing back in, but the basic idea was perfection in isolation was no longer the same message and so by itself wasn't an example of stripping down the message. Taking pursuit out alters the message.

I completely agree about the word relentless being superfluous. I suppose someone might try to argue that the pursuit of perfection may not be relentless, but that person isn't me.